Voldemort Visits A Psychiatrist
by Ron Weasley's Cutie
Summary: Voldemort Visits a Psychiatrist, Voldemort's Stay at a Loony Bin, and Voldemort Has a Nervous Breakdown are all in here. Have fun, ye English pigdog! ^_^
1. Voldemort Visits a Psychiatrist

                                                **_Voldemort Goes To A Psychiatrist _**

**Disclaimer:** To answer all of your questions about whether I own Harry and co., no, NO, NOOOOOOO, too bad that I do not, I wish I did, and I don't. J.K. Rowling owns them and unfortunately I am not in any way related to her so I can't own Ron *sigh* [insert sad and flowery speech here]) Blah, blah, blah you know the rest….

  
            "I just can't take it anymore! I'm too mean!" Voldemort said to his pet snake Nagini. "That author just has to portray me as some evil snake-guy," he glanced at Nagini and added quickly, "No offense Nagini." She hissed and Voldemort continued, "I'm really a nice guy inside! Why can't they see the Tom Riddle inside of me? Why, why, why?" Nagini hissed something to him in snake-talk. Voldemort listened to her intently and nodded in agreement. "You know, I think you're right. I do need to get some psychiatric help! I'll see the best psychiatrist in town!" 

            So Voldemort jumped on his…er…well…he jumped on something and went off to a psychiatrist. *X-Files music starts to play* Will he return? Will Mulder find his way out? Or will Scully find him? Or will Voldemort go to the….DENTIST?! [DUN DUN DUN!]

A Few Minutes Later……….(*starts singing* dots, oh dots! I love the dots!)……………

            Voldemort entered one of those whatcha-ma-call-it  rooms and settled down on a couch. The psychiatrist walked in….(a Scottish pirate named Billy-Bob, no doubt!) 

            "Arr! What seems to be the problem me matey?" said the psychiatrist.

            So Voldemort told him everything, from the time he was a little orphan singing Barney, to when he was blasting off people's heads for the fun of it.

            "Arr, seems like ye had a tough break back there. Maybe ye better go take some time to relax in one of them there loony bins?" Dr. Billy-Bob said sympathetically. Voldemort became very enraged at this.

            "ME?! A LOONY BIN?! ARE YOU OUT OF YOUR TEENY MIND?! I AM THE GREAT LORD VOLDEMORT! YOU CANNOT SEND _ME_ TO A LOONY BIN!" he shouted.

            "Arr, but I can," Dr. Billy-Bob said slyly. He made his *rich* stuffed parrot drag Voldemort to the 'Asylum For Befuddled Wizard Folk'.

            The greeter was an shaky old man by the name of Elvis Presley. "I…" the old man did a funny little move with his arms. He had a very funny accent. "take it you're that…Lord Voldemort guy? Uh-huh…Thank you! Thank you very much! Just uh…follow this path and you'll meet up with your new uh…room mate…" The old man did another little move and slicked back what little was left of his black hair. Voldemort couldn't help thinking, _So that was where Elvis went…_

            Voldemort (who was now in a strait jacket, courtesy of the security guards he tried to curse) reached the end of the gravel path where a man with messed-up blond hair and really big white teeth was standing in a strait jacket waiting for him.

            "Hello!" the man said cheerfully. "Nice day isn't it? Nice day isn't it? Nice day isn't it? Nice day isn't it?" the man said over again and again; he sounded like a broken record, and he nodded every time he said it, too.

            "No. It is not a nice day. It is a horrible day. I WAS DEFEATED BY A SCOTTISH PIRATE NAMED BILLY-BOB AND SENT TO A LOONY BIN!" Voldemort broke down into sobs. "And on top of it all, I MISS NAGINI!!! WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!" Voldemort fell to the ground and kicked like a baby while crying loudly. The other man, however, simply gave him a blank stare, smiled, and said, "Nice day isn't it?" Voldemort kicked even harder at this.

            "Ah! Gilderoy! Is this the new arrival? Lord Voldemort, I think it was?" said a man who looked like the Monopoly guy. He gave the kicking and wailing Voldemort a strange look. "Feisty little fella isn't he?" the Monopoly guy chuckled. Gilderoy simply looked at him and smiled.

            "Nice day isn't it?" he said.

            "Yes, it is rather lovely." Mr. Monopoly Guy agreed.

            Voldemort wailed louder and yelled, "IT'S AWFUL! YOU ALL CAN SUCK MY *[censored]*!"

            The Monopoly guy looked shocked and shook his finger at Voldemort. "Do not pass GO, do not collect two hundred dollars." The MG said in a disappointed voice.

            Gilderoy looked at Voldemort with his blank stare and said, "Nice day isn't it?"

            "NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!" Voldemort cried. He was going to have to stay in the same room with this…cheerful man…well, at least it was a padded room.

Did you like it? If you review, I'll give you cookie ^_~ The next part will be about the stay that Voldemort has with Gilderoy Lockhart. (so that's where he went, heh heh) Yes, and just remember that I OWN BILLY-BOB!!! BUWHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!! *cough* And there's one more thing I want to say to you crazy people that are reading this *Ahem* Nice day isn't it?

toodles,

Ron Weasley's Cutie


	2. Voldemort's Stay at a Loony Bin

Voldemort's Stay At A Loony Bin

AKA Asylum For Befuddled Wizard Folk

Disclaimer: Arr me mateys! The Scottish pirate Billy-Bob is mine! Arr! So is the Asylum For Befuddled Wizard Folk (nice day isn't it?). The head genius J.K. Rowling owns the rest (other than the idea of Voldemort goin' to a loony bin)…

"NAGINI!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" Voldemort wailed as he pounded on the padded walls. Gilderoy Lockhart was playing with some paper dolls in the corner.

"Nice day isn't it?" he said to the paper dolls. Voldemort just wailed. The security guard came in and said, "Some people here to see you, Mr. Voldemort, sir."

In walked all the Harry Potter characters against Voldemort. They pointed at him and started laughing, "HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! YOU'RE IN A LOONY BIN!!!!!!!! HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!"

Voldemort hung his head in shame. 

"Nice day isn't it?" Lockhart said cheerfully. All the HP characters against Voldie stared at him. Finally, Ron yelled, "LOCHART'S HERE! EVERYBODY RUN FOR YOUR LIVES!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"

Everybody stampeded out and Voldemort glared after them.

"I'LL KILL ALL OF YOU WHEN I'M OUT OF HERE! I WILL! DON'T YOU SHOW YOUR FACES AROUND HERE AGAIN!!!!!!!!!!" he yelled after them.

"NICE DAY ISN'T IT?" Lockhart yelled.

Voldemort stepped over to a padded wall and started to bang his head on it.

"Help. Me. Please." He said.

Suddenly, an old lady in a green dress and a shabby old wand appeared next to him.

"You called deary?" the lady cackled.

"Who are you?" Voldemort asked in an awestruck voice.

The old lady gave a high-pitched laugh and said, "Why, your fairy Godmother!"

"I have a fairy Godmother?" Voldemort asked questionably.

"Yes deary. Now make a wish, I have an appointment with the tooth fairy in a few minutes!" the lady said impatiently.

Voldemort thought for a second. Then he had it. "Make him say something other than 'Nice day isn't it?'" Voldemort pointed at Lockhart.

"Consider it done." Then the old lady disappeared.

Lockhart looked at Voldemort and said, "You'll never beat them."

"What?" Voldemort gasped.

"You'll never beat them." Lockhart said again. Mr. Moneybags the Monopoly guy burst through the door.

"He's excelling!" Mr. M said delightedly.

Voldemort looked up at the padded ceiling and muttered, "I hate you."

The disembodied voice of the old lady replied, "No problem deary."

A/N: I know this guy that ALWAYS says 'you're excelling!' when you do something good. Tell me if ya want a sequel! (BTW I'm writing the sequel to The Graduation Ball so don't yell at me and I'll get it up soon…I hope…)

toodles,

hermionefan


	3. Voldemort Gets a Nervous Breakdown

Voldemort Gets a Nervous Breakdown

Disclaimer: Yeah, yeah…I don't own them…'cept for Billy-Bob. Yeah. I wish I owned Ron. But I don't. Life sucks. *coughs loudly*

Hello everybody! Here were the requirements to METMA Mandy's challenge:

nmust be funny

nsomeone has to say "kiss me I'm IRISH!"

nHarry can't be Irish J

nCrabbe needs to get plastic surgery

nsomeone must say "Yo soy muy aburrido" which means "I am very boring" in Spanish

nsomeone needs to be wearing pink tights at one point _*grins evilly* oh, the possiblities…heh heh…_

na teacup must speak

nGilderoy Lockhart must be mentioned or seen

Welp, there it is, and this _may be the ending to this little 'series' (if you could call it that) but if I get a lot of good reviews, I might think about another one…Oh well, ENJOY!_

"You'll never beat them." Gilderoy said again. Voldemort shot Lockhart a very annoyed look.

"Do you ever shut up?"

"You'll never beat them."

"SHH! I need to wallow in my own self-pity, because I miss NAGINI!!!!!!!!" Voldemort fell to the floor and started kicking and screaming again. Suddenly, Nagini slithered in. Voldemort shut up immediately and tried to hug her, but he could not, as he was in a strait jacket.

"Oh my dear Nagini! I have missed you so much!" Voldemort burst into sobs. Nagini hissed soothingly. Gilderoy, who was in the corner still playing with his paper dolls, immediately reverted back to…

"Nice day isn't it?"

Nagini hissed curiously and Voldemort yelled, "NOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!"

The mere effect of that phrase on Voldemort was magnificent, and since what I just wrote probably made no sense I'm going to revert it to plain English, 'Voldemort turned into a great, big, ugly, very ugly, extremely ugly, kicking, crying, should-be-ashamed-to-show-his-face-as-an-evil-dark-lord-again baby yelling, "MOMMY, MOMMY, MAKE IT STOP!!!!"'

Nagini saw this and was ashamed to be Voldemort's 'pet'. He was a worthless piece of *[_nasty word, tsk, tsk]__*. But…that Gilderoy fellow seemed to have his own sort of power…maybe __he would be a better dark lord. After all, he had reduced Voldemort to a crying baby, and he had made all of the Voldie-haters run away in fear. _

Gilderoy took no notice of this, as he was now in pink tights, a pink leotard, and a pink tutu dancing Swan Lake with his paper dolls.

Nagini hissed coldly at Voldemort, and then slithered over to Gilderoy, who was now twirling on his tiptoes. Voldemort stopped kicking and screaming and looked at Nagini in disbelief.

"N-Nagini? What are you doing, my pet?" he gasped. Nagini ignored him and continued gliding on. 

Voldemort gaped and yelled in despair to Nagini, "Kiss me, I'm IRISH!"

Nagini turned to look at him and consider. Gilderoy was jumping and leaping and twirling in the background. Nagini decided against going back to Voldie.

"No, Nagini! NO! DON'T GO TO THE DARK SIDE!" Voldemort suddenly thought about his words. "I mean, DON'T GO TO THE…um…THE…uh…THE FLUFFY SIDE! Yeah…that's it…"

Nagini did not listen. Voldemort cried and started banging his head against the floor, which he cursed for being padded.

After he had had a good, long cry, Voldemort settled himself in a dark corner. A great, big, gray cloud began to form above his head, and it started to rain, but only on him. Voldemort shivered.

"Oh, woe is me, woe is me…I have lost my dear, dear Nagini…" Voldemort sighed.

POOF!

Two little red devils appeared on Voldemort's shoulders.

"Psst, hey, bub, did you know that there's a rain cloud above your head?" one of the little demons hissed in his ear.

The other demon spoke up.

"Of course he does, Jerkwad! Now we're here to help him, right?" 

The other demon looked sulky.

"Yeah…sure…"

Voldemort heaved another great big sob and said, "Oh, how can you help me? Like I need your help! I'm the most…the most…EVIL wizard! I don't need your help! GO AWAY!"

The demons looked offended.

"Dude, who spit in his coffee?" asked one demon.

"He's just in one of his 'moods' right now. He'll get over that little snake…" the other demon muttered.

"NO I WON'T!!!!!" Voldemort screamed. 

The demons shook their heads sadly at him and said in unison, "Oh…he needs more than our help…he needs The Almighty Talking Teacup's help!"

POOF! TINK, TINK!

A giant, pink, porcelain teacup appeared in front of Voldemort and the two demons. The demons started bowing to it.

"You called?" the teacup said in a very deep, powerful voice. He's a pink teacup, folks. Go figure.

"Yes…yes…this worthless piece of crap here needs your help, O breakable one!" one demon squeaked.

"You mean this poor, pathetic ugly dark lord right here?" the teacup asked.

Voldemort sobbed again and said in the best sarcastic voice he could muster, "Yes, and thank you for rubbing it in!"

The teacup…um…shoved its porcelain face into Voldemort's.

"Looky here, mister 'I'm all mighty and powerful'. You were once the most feared dark lord in the world. Now look at you! All pathetic and weak, and for what? A snake?" the teacup seemed to be hitting a nerve in Voldemort, because he had stopped crying and the rain above him slowed down to a drizzle.

A television appeared in front of Voldemort. It was on the CNN channel, and he stared at it, transfixed.

**_CNN Breaking News:_**

_ _

Today young Vincent Crabbe will be getting plastic surgery. One of our top reporters is at the scene now. Larry? Are you there?

_ _

_[scene switches to a guy in front of a hospital]_

_ _

Uh, yeah, Jimmy, I'm here. Well, this is an important day for all of us. Mr. Crabbe is one of the most _ugliest students in Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry. But today, all that may change. Hey! Look! Here he…wait…he? That looks like a she! Oh my…_

_[the former Crabbe now looks like Britney Spears]_

_ _

OH MY GOD! Entertainment Tonight, where are you? We are witnessing the birth of Britney Spears! Look, and her [*_it's nasty, get the picture?*] aren't that huge right now! That's a sight to see!_

_[scene goes back to the anchor]_

_ _

Uh…that's…weird…right…well…in other news, Lord Vold--- Oh yeah, I mean _You-Know-Who has been admitted to an insane asylum. Many of his supporters are very ANGRY at this. ANGRY. Yeah. Sure. Anyway, he doesn't look like he's getting out any time soon, so everybody, let's PAR-TAY!_

**_This Has Been a News Update By CNN_**

Voldemort's face was now red with anger.

"Party? THEY CANNOT PARTY!!!! I'M NOW GETTING ANGRY, ANGRY, ANGRY, OKAY!!!! NOW I'M ANGRY!!!!!"

The teacup grinned, however the heck he did it, and said, "Well, I suppose you want to break out then, don't you?"

"YES!!!!!!!" Voldemort yelled, then he considered something. "But how? THESE FREAKING WALLS ARE PADDED! LOOK!"

Voldemort banged against the wall with his head to prove it. The teacup answered, "I guess you'll have to figure that out by yourself, won't you?"

The two demons, who were disgusted by the Britney Spears picture, were now dancing with Gilderoy, his paper dolls, and Nagini.

"YO SOY MUY ABURRIDO!" they both yelled sadly. Yes. They had very pathetic lives. It's not exactly a wonderful life, being a demon. No commitment, always trying to do bad, never obeying people…hey! Wait a sec! What am I saying? THEY HAVE GOOD LIVES! Just kidding…

"Halfwit! Jerkwad! What are you two doing?" yelled the teacup. Apparently those were the demons names.

Both the demons stopped and looked down. 

"We were…being good." one demon flinched.

"GOOD?! ALRIGHT BUCKOS, YOU WILL _NOT BE HAVING A BAD TIME TODAY! NOW COME!"_

"Yes, master…"

The teacup and the demons both disappeared with a POOF! and Voldemort was left with two ballet-dancing freaks, and his thoughts.

Gilderoy suddenly stuck his face into Voldemort's.

"Nice day isn't it?" he asked innocently.

"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!"

A/N: Well, well, well…poor Voldie…what am I saying? POOR?!?!?!?!?!?! More like pathetic…yeah…okay, now you had better review me, because if you don't…I'll…I'll…I'll send the smurfs after you! YEAH! Sic em' Papa Smurf! *cackles evilly* Now I feel like the wicked witch of the west. Did I say west? I meant Southwest. Yeah. *cough*

toodles,

Ron Weasley's Cutie

(you betcha!)


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